That 70’s Show
Episode Title: Yes Master!
Forman’s Basement
Friday Evening, 7pm
Fez:
Ok guys, I have a question? (Sucking on his lollypop)
Eric:
Yeah Fez what is it?
Fez:
Just how many leeks does it does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
(He stares at his lollipop)
Eric:
Um Fez, I don’t think you’re supposed to answer that one literally. It’s just a slogan.
Fez:
Slo-Gun? You crazy Americans and your guns – everything is about guns to you isn’t it? (Enter Kelso)
Kelso:
Alright that is it! I’ve had it! Jackie and I are finished. (Storming in)
Hyde:
Kelso man, you guys have been finished like forever man, get with the program.
Kelso:
No Hyde. Now, I mean it’s really over!
Fez:
Alright I will bite. What did the stupid whore do this time?
Kelso:
Well, I bumped into her at the mall and I opened the door for her like I always do, and she didn’t even say thank you or nothin’! (Pouting)
Fez:
Oh you are talking about Jackie. No no. I meant you were the stupid whore!
Eric:
Kelso, get over her ok, it's been months. You're becoming, like a real loser!
Kelso:
Yeah, well, well, NUTS to you!
Hyde:
Classic comeback man!
Fez:
Here, Kelso you want my lollypop? (Offers him his candy)
Kelso:
Nah man that’s gross, it’s bitten into!
Fez:
You’re loss!
Kelso:
Guys this is serious – I don’t know if I can take another day without Jackie!
Eric:
Man, why don’t you just find yourself another girl? I mean not my sister, but like hey…what about Pam Macey?!
Hyde:
He did her once – that didn’t work.
Kelso:
Yeah besides Forman, I don’t want another woman. I want Jackie!
Fez:
Did you ever think Kelso, that maybe you should look for a boy?
Kelso:
Oh, shut up Fez!
Eric:
Yeah, suck your pop!
Kelso:
(Having fits like a nicotine addict)
Guys, I’m not joking I feel like I’m gonna burst inside you know. Eric, what would you do if Donna dumped you because you were fooling around with your sister?
Eric:
Well first Kelso, you’re sick! And second, nah, you’re just sick!
Kelso:
Maybe I do need therapy?! (Afraid of the implications)
Fez:
Kelso. You don’t need therapies! What you need is a good sex!
Kelso:
Yeah that’s what I keep telling Jackie, but she’s not buyin’ into that!
Hyde:
Kelso man what you need is a distraction, you know, something to take your mind off Jackie. Whose up for pool?
Fez:
Swimming? No sank you!
Kelso:
Nah Hyde I’m not in the mood.
Eric:
You feel like catching a movie man, I think Close Encounters is still playing…
Kelso:
Nah. I don’t feel like doing any of those things. You guys go. I’ll just stay here, alone and be sad! (Moping and depressed)
Fez:
246! (Showing his finished Tootsie Pop Stick) Now we all know!
***70’s Show Music***
Outside Forman’s House
Present: Jackie & Donna
Jackie:
I’m telling you Donna, I’m really getting tired of it, Michael is becoming obsessed!
Donna:
Becoming obsessed! Jackie, he camped outside your house for like three nights straight last week. I think we’re past the point of him becoming obsessed!
Jackie:
Well, what am I gonna do? This can’t go on forever Donna! Help me!
Donna:
Well, what do you want me to do?
Jackie:
Well, can you talk to Michael for me?
Donna:
Yeah right, like he’s gonna listen to me! Jackie, I think he’s really got it bad for you!
Jackie:
Yeah well, I have that effect on guys. I mean just look at poor Fez!
Donna:
Ok whatever. Look Jackie I can talk to Kelso, but it won’t do anything.
Jackie:
Oh would you Donna? Thank you. Oh and tell him that if he doesn’t stop harassing me, my father is going to hire a thug or something to beat him up!
***
Forman's Basement
Hyde:
Ok Kelso. I think I have the solution to your problem! (Reading an Archie comic)
Kelso:
Yeah, what’s that?
Hyde:
Hypnosis! (Flings comic on table)
Kelso:
Hypnosis! No way Hyde, I ain’t letting you hypnotize me!
Fez:
Oh do me, do me! I always wanted to see what it was like to be a chicken!
Hyde:
Great Fez and after that, we’ll set the oven at 450 and toss ya in!
Eric:
C’mon Hyde, hypnotism? Don’t you think that’s a bit drastic?
Hyde:
Nah man, it’s cool. Hey, if it helps people stop smoking and get off the sauce, it can help Kelso here get over his pathetic little addiction to Miss. What’s Her Name?
Kelso:
You really think so Hyde?
Hyde:
Nothin to lose!
Kelso:
Ok fine, but just don’t go turning me into no zombie or anything! I like my brain the way it is!
Hyde:
Imagine that! Nope! Can’t. Ok, let’s get this freak show on the road...
Eric:
This is so cool! So Hyde where did you learn hypnosis?
Hyde:
Archie comics man, where else? Hey Forman get the lights will you!
(Eric goes to turn off the lights)
Kelso:
So like what should I do?
Hyde:
You just sit there and continue looking stupid.
Fez:
If that’s all there is to it, I think he is hypnotized all the time then!
Hyde:
K quiet everyone. Forman you got any relaxing music you can put on?
Forman:
Just my Barry White albums…
Hyde:
Alright cool, but put them on at half speed that should do it. (He takes off the chain from around his neck and begins to hold it just above Kelso’s eyes}
Kelso:
K, nothing’s happening man!
Hyde:
Would you just shut up and give it a minute. You’re supposed to relax and focus on the chain, back and forth, back and forth. Staying focused on my voice… as it takes you deeper and deeper into a state of relaxation…
Eric:
Hey, Hyde, I think it’s actually working!
Hyde:
Nah that’s the same blank look he gets when he’s in Algebra class, he’s still not completely under. Keep watching the swinging, and go deeper and deeper Kelso… you just wanna sleep, when I count to three and snap my fingers you’ll be asleep and totally relaxed. Ok man, one – two – three!
(Kelso’s head falls to his chest… so does Fez’s)
Eric:
This is incredible Hyde – I don’t think he’s putting us on!
Hyde:
Please Forman, Kelso putting me on? I would have to be hypnotized for that to happen!
Eric:
So like what now man? Are you gonna like program him to forget about Jackie?
Hyde:
Not bad, not bad Forman. But I was thinking of something a little more imaginative. (Slyly)
Eric:
Uh-oh Hyde, what are you talking about?
Hyde:
(To Kelso) Listen to me man. Listen, remember and obey! Jackie makes you sick! The thought of her makes you wanna wretch your lunch. When you see her, you will not be able to stay in the same room as her without flinging insults her way left and right! You despise her man! She’s Satan’s little helper and she’s after you. Your mission is to stay as far away from Jackie as possible. Did you get all that?
Kelso:
Stay far away from Jackie (sleepy tone)
Hyde:
Yes, you hate Jackie! Say it man! Say it and mean it!
Kelso:
I hate Jackie!
Fez:
(Quietly no one hears him at first in the background) I hate Jackie!
Hyde:
Louder and again!
Kelso:
I hate Jackie!
Hyde:
Again! (Enjoying the power)
Kelso & Fez:
I hate Jackie!
Eric:
Hyde, my God, it looks like you got a two for one here!
Hyde:
Yeah Fezzy man, an extra bonus!
Eric:
Yeah but Hyde, we don’t want Fez hating Jackie too, do we?
Hyde:
Why not? The more people that hate Jackie, the better!
Eric:
Now that’s just plain not nice Hyde. C’mon Fez likes Jackie! (Whining a bit)
Hyde:
Yeah well there’s no accounting for taste. C’mon Forman, we can have fun with this!
Forman:
Ok well we had fun, now it’s time to like wake them up and laugh so we can all laugh about it together! You know...Ha ha ha ha!
Hyde:
Ok guys, aside from detesting Jackie, you are both highly allergic to her! Heh, heh, heh! (Evil Doctor laugh) Oh yeah and one more thing, even saying the name “Jackie” makes you wanna puke, you cannot say the name Jackie without getting ill. Oh and finally, whenever I say the word “cola”, one or both of you will have an uncontrollable urge to run upstairs and get me a pop! Understood?
Eric:
Hyde that’s not fair, c’mon, they’re our friends they’re not your personal slaves!
Hyde:
Yeah, well, who says they can’t be both Forman?
***
Forman’s kitchen
Saturday morning, 9am
Eric:
Um mom you’re a nurse right?
Red:
God Eric do you have to start off every question with a dumb-assed question? You know your mom has been a nurse since before you were even born!
Eric:
Sorry. I guess I was just being a dumb ass. Again! Gee what is wrong with me?
Kitty:
Well now Red, it sounds like Eric has a medical question for me, don’t discourage him!
Red:
I’m not discouraging the boy. But if he starts out every conversation with dumb-assed questions, no one’s ever gonna take him seriously is all!
Eric:
Um ok. Mom, as a nurse, what do you know about hypnosis?
Kitty:
Hypnosis? Well, there are some Doctors who use it for various things – I’m not much of a big fan of it though – it didn’t work on me. Remember Red when I went to that hypnotist to try and stop smoking? He said I was too jumpy to be able to relax long enough for it to work. But why do you ask honey?
Eric:
No real reason, just curious. So could like hypnotism do any permanent damage or changes to someone’s personality and stuff?
Kitty:
Well I suppose it could if the person was super-susceptible type. You know, easy to influence, highly suggestible, imaginative people – they usually make the best subjects. Why are you so interested in hypnosis suddenly Eric? Do you have a habit you wanna kick that I should know about?
Eric:
What? No, no Mom. It’s just that we were foolin’ around last night and I’m pretty sure Hyde hypnotized Kelso and Fez.
Kitty:
What? Now that could be dangerous Eric. Maybe your friends were just pulling your leg?
Red:
Geez, Eric. Why do you idiots waste your time with such nonsense? In my day if you wanted to be hypnotized you banged your head on the wall until you could see stars! Now that was fun! You should try it!
Eric:
Um okay Red, maybe next time.
***
Forman's Basement
Later that day
Donna:
(Entering) Oh Kelso good I’m glad you’re here. Where’s Eric?
Kelso:
Upstairs doin’ something…
Donna:
Ok cool. Look, I wanted to talk to you anyways. It’s about Jackie...
Kelso:
(Suddenly looks like he has to throw up) Ew! Yuck that bitch?! Why would I wanna talk to you about that piece of trash?!
Donna:
Well, it just seems to me you’ve been acting like, well, like a freak where she’s concerned and you know Kelso, I think it’s time to get over her, just move on with your life and put Jackie behind you!
Kelso:
Ok Donna shut up! I don’t want that diseased chick behind me or anywhere else near me, you got that?!
Donna:
God Kelso alright! What is your problem?
(Enter Fez)
Fez:
Hello all!
Kelso & Donna:
Hey Fez.
Fez:
Guys I need to know something. Am I fat? (Doing a pose)
Donna:
God if I didn’t know any better Fez, I’d swear you were Jackie!
Fez:
(Looking nauseous) What did you just say to me, you bitch?!
Donna:
What? Fez, what did you just call me? (Shocked)
Fez:
Donna, if you ever compare me to that hideous kaka-roach again, I am sorry but I will have to estermate you!
Donna:
Wow. (Looking at both of them) What the hell did Jackie do to get both of you so pissed?
Fez & Kelso:
Stop saying that name already! (Holding their hands to their ears like neither can bare it as Eric comes down the stairs)
Donna:
Ok, you two are even weirder than usual, I can’t deal!
Kelso:
Fine, Fez, let’s amscray. I don’t wanna risk running into that whore here anyway.
Fez:
I am with you!
Fez & Kelso exit as Eric enters
Eric:
Hey Donna, what’s up?
Donna:
That’s what I was hoping you would tell me. What the hell is with those two morons?
(Eric doesn’t answer immediately)
With Fez and Kelso? They are both so pissed at Jackie, it’s scary! I’ve never seen either of them like that!
Eric:
Oh yeah well that. Well you see it’s kinda like this, you see… Hyde hypnotized them.
Donna:
Excuse me?
Eric:
It was to help Kelso get over Jackie, but he didn’t realize that he got Fez too until it was too late. And now they both hate Jackie and I dunno Donna, I feel like I’ve entered a Twilight Zone episode or something.
Donna:
Get out of town. So Hyde really hypnotized them?
Eric:
Yeah. I just can’t shake the feeling like things are gonna get a lot worse here before they get better.
Donna:
Ya think?
Eric:
Yeah, I mean Hyde created a monster, two monsters. Listen if I were you I would keep Jackie away from here for a few days. Maybe until this whole I hate Jackie campaign has calmed down a bit…
Donna:
I’ll try, but you know how Jackie is.
(Enter Jackie)
Jackie:
No Donna, tell me, how is Jackie?
Donna:
Oh hey Jackie - we were just talking about you!
Jackie:
Yeah well all good I'm sure! Donna, what DID you say to Michael?
Donna:
What? Nothing...
Jackie:
Well whatever you said, it worked. I mean when he and Fez saw me coming down the street, they both took off so fast in the opposite direction, you'd think they were handing out free brains somewhere or something. Anyways, thank you Donna!
Donna:
Do we tell her?
Eric:
I'm not telling her!
***
Forman's Basement
5:30 pm
Hyde:
So have the wonder-twins ran into each other yet? I can't wait for the show! Hey Forman, why don't you pop some popcorn? Heh heh heh!
Donna:
God Hyde, you are evil! It's not funny. Kelso and Fez practically wanna kill Jackie!
(Enter Kelso and Fez)
Kelso & Fez:
Kill Jackie? (Both suddenly are overwhelmed with nausea, as if they have to vomit)
Kelso:
I'm in! When and where? (Excited as if making plans for a concert)
Fez:
I will go get the shovel! (Turning to leave)
Eric:
Fez, no wait!
Fez:
A shovel... you know to bury the body afterwards silly! Unless you want to bury her alive which is good for me too!
Donna:
Alright that's it! Fez, Kelso, sit down, there's something Hyde has to tell you! Hyde...
Hyde:
There is? No, no there isn't!
Eric:
Yeah c'mon Hyde, can't you like undo this, or at least, make them less oh I dunno, "Mansonish". I'm getting the creeps here! (Enter Laurie from upstairs)
Laurie:
Oh, what's wrong little brother? Did the Scooby Doo monsters scare you again? I keep telling him, they're not real!
Eric:
Hey Hyde, you think you can use your presto-chango stuff to fix her?
Hyde:
Your sister fixed? Now there's an oxymoron!
Fez:
Wait I don't get it... who is the ox and who is the moron?
Kelso:
Hey Laurie, what's shakin' baby? You know I am available tonight in case you wanted to know...
Laurie:
Oh I knew that Kelso.
Kelso:
Oh yeah?
Laurie:
Well, I knew a loser like you wouldn't have plans on a Saturday night!
Kelso:
Yeah well ok. Gimme a call! (Calling after her. As she goes upstairs, Jackie enters)
Hyde:
Here we go! (Rubbing his hands together in excited anticipation at the imminent encounter)
Kelso:
Argh! Just what the HELL is Jac...(Kelso gags as the thought of Jackie's name enters his head) that Jack-ass doing here?
Jackie:
(Shocked) Oh! How dare you speak to me like that Michael?! What's gotten into you?
Fez:
You are right. He should have said what the hell is that smelly whore doing here!?
Jackie:
(Getting upset) Fez what the hell is your problem?
Fez:
Um if you will excuse me I will wait outside. No, wait! I will go get the shovel, in case we change out minds for later. (Sneezes several times as he nears Jackie) Um is it just me or does anyone else smell dog?
Eric:
Ok Hyde, I think this has gone on far enough!
Hyde:
Why man, it's only just begun!
(Carpenters tune hums in the background)
***
Outside
Forman's Garage
Red:
Hey wait a minute there Fez.
Fez:
Oh hello Red.
Red:
So uh is it true about last night, I mean about Hyde putting you under?
Fez:
Putting me under what?
Red:
Um never mind.
***
Forman's Basement
Kelso:
(By now itching profusely) Look, do we have to hang here with her! I'm gettin' really sick and tired of her smell!
Jackie:
Michael!
Donna:
Hyde?!
Hyde:
Oh alright. Anyone for a COLA? (As soon as he hears the trigger word Kelso reacts)
Kelso:
Yeah, I think I want a pop too. Hey I'll bring one down for you too Hyde! Argh! Why am I so itchy today?
Eric:
Hey bring me one down too man!
Kelso:
(Calling back to him) Hey Forman, I'm not your slave you know!
Donna:
No, he's Hyde's. Look, when are you going to fix him!
Jackie:
Trust me Donna, I went out with him for over a year, Michael can't be fixed.
Hyde:
Yeah Donna and besides, just because something is broken doesn't mean you have to rush out and fix it!
Eric:
Hyde, if this goes any further... (Putting Hyde on notice voice)
Kelso:
I brought the drinks. Hyde here's your cola, Eric... I even brought a drink for the little she-devil over here. C'mon everyone drink up! (Eyeing Jackie)
Jackie:
I didn't ask for a drink Michael! Besides what is this, it's blue!
Kelso:
Windex. Yeah it's loaded with Vitamin C so it's good for you. Go ahead, drink!
Donna:
Ok this has gone on far enough! Now he's trying to poison her!
Fez:
(Entering all excited) Alright! I have found the shovel!
Jackie:
Ok, I don't know what's going on here tonight but this place is weird. I'm leaving. Donna, I’ll speak to you later! (As Jackie leaves she must pass Fez with the shovel. He starts sneezing and scratching more as she approaches and almost hits Jackie) Argh! Watch it Fez! You could hurt someone with that thing!
Fez:
(All disappointed) Awgh! Who told the whore our plans?
Jackie:
Fez, stop calling me that, I am not a whore!
Fez:
Yeah, I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot whore shovel! (Pretends like he's about to hit her with it)
Jackie:
Argh! (Screaming, she runs off in a nervous tiff)
Hyde:
Priceless man, priceless entertainment. And the best part of it is, it was free!
***
PHONE SCENE
Jackie:
I'm telling you Donna, the way Michael was acting... I don't know what you told him but it worked!
Donna:
Oh well y'see Jackie, I didn't really tell him anything, it's just that Kelso is...
Jackie:
Turning me on big time! I know it's crazy isn't it?
Donna:
What? (Totally blown away)
Jackie:
I know, I know. 'Cause before when he was smothering me I couldn't stand him. But now that he seems totally over me, well, it made me realize I miss him. I still can't figure out what you said to him to make him so angry at me...
Donna:
I'm trying to tell you Jackie, I didn't SAY anything, it was Hyde...
Jackie:
Yeah well whoever did what Donna, I think I'm falling for Michael again!!
Donna:
Ugh!!
***
Forman's Garage
Fez:
You know, I never realized it before but I just love to clean the garage! It is like a dream come true for me!
Kelso:
Yeah lately, everything feels like a dream!
Fez:
Ooh look, carburetor fluid!
(Enter Jackie)
Jackie:
Oh hello Fez. Michael...
Kelso:
Stay away from me daughter of Satan! (Makes a cross with his fingers. When Kelso looks at Jackie he sees Reagan from the Exorcist, not Jackie)
Fez:
(Starts to pray in Spanish also as if in the presence of an evil spirit entity)
Jackie:
You know Michael, I've been thinking... (Perspective changes and now Jackie's voice is coming through the way Kelso hears it - as if she really is possessed by Satan)
Maybe we should try getting back together again, I mean I miss you Michael. (She walks nearer to him with her arms out-stretched as if expecting a hug)
Kelso:
I'm warning you, stay the hell away from me! (Throws a basket ball at her)
Jackie:
Michael, you're not listening to me! Focus! I said I want US to get back together!
Fez:
We hearded you and now, we banish you back to hell! (Starts reciting in Spanish)
Jackie:
Fez... I don't know what your problem is, but SHUT UP!
Kelso:
Hey! Hey! Don't talk to my friend like that you, you, (He takes one step toward Jackie and sneezes viciously) Acchooooo!
Jackie:
Bless you!
Fez:
Blessed by evil itself, Kelso I think we are doomed!
Kelso:
Don't worry Fez, I'll protect you! (He starts throwing things at Jackie)
Jackie:
Careful Michael, this isn't funny, ow, you stop this right now! OW! (Jackie runs off crying and screaming)
***
Forman's Basement
Donna:
Ok Hyde, snap them out of it already! I just saw Fez and Kelso cleaning the garage!
Eric:
What? Hyde are you serious man? Red's gonna kill me!
Hyde:
Nah man relax, it was his idea!
Donna:
Alright Hyde. What if I told you that all this Hate Jackie thing has actually backfired on you?
Hyde:
Whatya mean?
Donna:
I mean Jackie's fallen for Kelso again! Because of this whole new side of him she's seeing!
Eric:
Wait, so like Jackie likes the idea of Kelso wanting to kill her? I don't get it.
Donna:
Yeah go figure.
Hyde:
Nuts I can't believe this, Donna are you serious?
Donna:
Yeah, she was coming over here today to tell Kelso in person that she wanted to get back together with him...
Hyde:
(Jumping out of his chair in a semi-panic) Well, don't just stand there guys! We gotta get to Kelso before Jackie does, c'mon!
***
Forman's Garage
Hyde:
Kelso man, tell me Jackie hasn't been here yet!
Kelso:
Yeah that tramp was here, and we threw stuff at her! (Laughing like a fool)
Fez:
Yeah and then, and then she run off like a cry baby!
Hyde:
Whoa, too bad I missed that!
Donna:
Come on Hyde, do you your stuff!
Eric:
Yeah make them normal again. Or whatever it was they were before, ok?
***
Forman's Basement
(Enter Jackie)
Jackie:
Alright Donna, can I speak to you for a minute, alone please?
Eric:
Oh hey Jackie, what's up?
Jackie:
Are you Donna? (Annoyed and totally disinterested)
Kelso:
Jackie! I've been meaning to speak with you. You know I don't know what came over me the last few days. I mean, I don't know why I was throwin' stuff at you, but I have to apologize. Please say you'll forgive me!
Jackie:
OK Michael...
Kelso:
And I beg you, please, please take me back! I'll do anything, PLEASE!!
Jackie:
Ew, Michael get off the floor!
Fez:
Why, when he wears the floor so well? Anyways who needs floor-boy over here when you have someone like me Jackie...(He approaches her like a Spanish Cassanova)
Donna:
Well everything seems back to normal!
Kelso:
C'mon whatya say Jackie, Take me back! I'll do anything! PLEASE I beg you!
Jackie:
Yeah, well, I'm going to have to think about it Michael! I'll get back to you sometime. (She exits quickly without goodbyes)
Kelso:
(Screaming after her) Hey Jackie come back! Jackie!! (He closes the door to face his friends) YUP! We're back together! (Triumphantly)
Hyde:
Whatever! (Aggravated) Man, I so liked him better the other way! (To Donna & Eric)
Eric:
Well at least things are predictable again which is the way we like it, right guys?
Fez:
Oh I dunno Eric. Every now and then it is good to change things around a little, you know? (He smells his hands) Why do I smell like a car engine?
***
Forman's Basement
(Hyde is lying on the couch with his bare feet up on the table. He is relaxing and sighing as the camera zooms out to reveal Fez and Kelso fanning him while standing there, blank-faced, hypnotized)
Hyde:
A little more wind on the left and higher!
Fez:
Yes Master!
Kelso:
I'm left you moron, sorry Master!
Hyde:
Ok. Just don't let it happen again! Someone get me a cola huh?
Kelso:
I'll get it! Ha! I win again looser! (To Fez)
Fez:
Piss off! You are just jealous because I'm the one who got to give master the foot massage and not you! Would you like another foot massage, oh glorious master?
Hyde:
Nah Fezzy man, my toes are plenty happy! But hey, don't stop fanning! And what's taking so long with my pop?!
The phone rings, no one answers it so Hyde motions for Fez to pick it up.
Fez:
Hello? Master’s residence. Oh, ok, hold on. (He turns toward Hyde) It is for you master!
Hyde:
Great! That means I have to get up! Ok. I’m coming! (Taking the phone) Hullo? Hullo? Yeah I… I… I hear and I obey master! So far, I have hypnotized Kelso and Fez master. I will hypnotize Eric. I will hypnotize Eric. I will hypnotize Eric. I will hypnotize Eric. I will hypnotize…